漫長的15小時 - 兔
By Sarah
at 2012-09-13T14:45
at 2012-09-13T14:45
Table of Contents
刀大走了。
小小的身體還沒停止抽搐
但那一刻看著你的眼睛,我知道你已經不在了
生命的消逝不是緩緩的,而是一瞬間的事
好像有人從張望著的窗前走開,下一秒便已隱入屋內的暗處
你圓滾滾的黑眼睛還是很美麗,卻不會再抬頭看我了
上星期六送你進醫院調養身體
昨天知道你終於可以出院,興高采烈的回到家
你的身體卻軟綿綿的,連站都站不起來
媽媽覺得情況不對,趕快為你誦經
而我什麼都做不到,只能摸著你頸背,呼喚你的名字
很快的,在一陣劇烈掙扎之後,一切都過去了
那是我第一次聽到你的聲音
以前不管你受到多大驚嚇或刺激,即使是我莽撞的不小心踢到你
你都不曾開口喊過痛
唯一的一次卻是在這個時刻
那聲音好似嬰孩的啼哭,我聽了心都要碎了
那瞬間我想著,如果你這麼痛苦的話,就不要再掛念我們,跟著菩薩走吧
接著就看到你眼裡的光芒淡去,我知道你已經不再痛了
只是我的心,好痛
佛家說往生後的8小時內不可觸摸或移動遺體
因為往生者的魂魄還在,要等這段時間過去之後他們才能放心離開
儘管我多麼想再摸摸你,為了你能無牽掛的走,我都不會那麼做的
媽媽要比照親人過世,為你連頌8小時經
我不會,就跟著唱佛機唸阿彌陀佛
兩個人一起唸著,可以聽出哪個時刻誰又哽咽了
我喚你:大大
話一出口就泣不成聲
我這輩子從沒流過這麼多眼淚
你走時是側躺倒下的
我看著你毛髮蓬鬆的側腹,心想這是我第一次看到它沒有在輕輕起伏
真怪。彷彿達利的畫作那樣超現實
讓我想要牢牢記在腦海
我像瘋了一般,心裡只有這個念頭
上禮拜媽媽才幫你梳過毛
現在你的毛很柔順好摸
你能清清爽爽的離開,真的太好了
要送你去火化了
看著你孤零零的躺在爐中
爐門關上的那一刻,我還是忍不住放聲大哭
我說,刀大,火要來了,快點往菩薩那邊跑,不要讓火燒著了
然後火爐運轉聲響起
我只能努力不去想像你在熊熊烈火中燃燒的畫面
一晚沒睡,我跟媽媽都非常疲累
但我還等著送你走,怎麼能離開呢
終於你從火爐裡出來了
看著你留下的小小骨頭
我瞬間的想法竟然是——
他們在跟我開玩笑嗎?
到底把你給藏到哪去了?
可愛的小耳朵、毛茸茸手腳、又圓又大的眼睛還有蓬蓬尾巴
都不見了
我的刀大不見了
只有他們遞給我的這包白色粉末
我恍惚的捧著它
心裡浮現你剛來到家裡時的模樣
好像也是像這樣子,小小的,可以讓我一把捧在手中
你是那麼可愛,每個人都被你的魅力征服了
你的出現拯救了我們瀕臨崩潰的家
我在心裡感謝你好多好多次
你有聽到嗎?刀大
把你的骨灰撒進花園的泥土裡,不帶走
你可以理解吧?
不是要把你一個人扔在這山中
不是不想帶你回家
而是希望你可以無牽無掛,隨菩薩去雲遊四海修行
或者可以到西方極樂世界去
那裡一定有好豐美的草原讓你自由奔跑的
但你討厭潮濕,如果雨來了,你自己要會躲雨,好嗎?
身為一個不稱職的主人,這就是我最後能為你做的事了
心裡好多悔恨
一直說的二樓跟隧道還沒幫你蓋
你不愛的草墊的替代品還沒找
還沒看夠你
好想再摸摸你
但已經是不可能實現的夢了
然而心裡有個感覺,好像這才是奇怪的想法
明明你似乎還在家裡到處跑跳
彎腰看看桌子下面,就會看到你正在打盹
我其實是那麼深深地依賴你啊..
不能再說下去了
我太傷心你會無法離開的
我們家很幸福
因為有你而很幸福
謝謝你,刀大,再見了
我好愛你啊
--
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